Change

I’ve decided that I need to change. The person I am now is not who I want to be. I am fat, lazy, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and angry. I started my lifestyle changes almost two weeks ago – I joined Weight Watchers. I stepped on the scale one morning and my stomach dropped – 231 lbs. Terrible. I have never been this heavy in my life. So… I joined WW and my beginning weight was 228.4 lbs. A week into it, I am 225.8 lbs. So far, so good. I have cut down on my eating, I’m drinking a lot of water/seltzer, and I am staying within my point limits (37 daily). I am going to the gym and instead of half hour workouts, I am doing hourly elliptical trials on different settings. Burning 500-600 calories each time. Exercise makes you happier, and I feel like it’s helping me a bit already.

I had a long conversation with my husband a couple of days ago at 3:45 AM about changing ourselves as well. We always have some type of issue. Especially me. I am ALWAYS angry at him, and I do not hide it at all. We talked though, and it helped. However, the next day I got a message from some girl, an (EX-) friend of my sister-in-laws, with every single text message and picture that my husband sent her. I stepped back and thought about the way to react. I’ve blown up on him before, freaked out and just yelled like a mad-woman. It was never a good option. So, this time, I took a deep breath and called him, asked him VERY CALMLY who the girl is, and then let him know that she sent me all the screenshots of their conversations. He hung up and called his sister, as did I. My SIL didn’t pick up until he hung up with her and then I cried to her, telling her everything. She knew. Even my MIL knew…to some extent. She had spoken with my husband and told him, you either work it out with your wife or you choose to be alone. Either way, you have to choose. He chose me, and he spent a long time that night trying to make me feel better. Honestly, he’s done this to me so many times that I think I just expect it. I must be crazy for staying. I must be. Even my best friend told me, “you are a good woman.” I asked her why and she said, “because no matter what he does to you, you always stay with him.” I’m not sure whether that makes me a good woman or a stupid woman. After a while, it does take a toll. And that is why I am always angry at him…because, yes, the past is the past, but it doesn’t completely disappear. Especially from your memory.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want

What’s wrong with me? I can’t keep my emotions right. I also can’t keep fighting anymore. I am fine throughout the day and as soon as I get a call or text from my husband, I get annoyed, angry, pissed. I don’t know why. I’ll snap at him, I’ll call him every name in the book. Why? WHY? I can’t even talk or think this through. Nothing makes sense to me. I want to blame it on the fact that he moved and left me here alone with all the responsibility, but then, I know it isn’t true. I was okay with it, I was happy that he was going to better himself. I’m so unhappy, no one can help me. I cry over everything, all the time. I’ve gone through this on my other posts…I won’t delve into it again. I don’t even know what to write right now. I just opened up my laptop because the same thing happens every time I speak to my husband. It will start off fine and then I’ll feel like he doesn’t care about what I’m saying or texting and I’ll get angry and shut him down completely. I thought that being apart would help…that we were together way too much when he lived here with me…but that’s not the case. I feel like he is wrapped up in everything else – games, work, his new friends – and I feel like I’m always the after-thought. I always think about my husband. Always. He doesn’t think I do, but in everything I do, I mention him or think about how fun it would be to do with him. Yesterday I went with some friends to do a Paint and Sip upstate. Yes, it was fun, but I kept mentioning to my friend that it would be great to go up to the same place again one spring or summer day and have my husband and hers with us – make a day out of it. Maybe we’ll do it – if I don’t ruin my relationship first. I think it’s still in my mind that I didn’t get anything I wanted – no engagement party, no bridal shower, no bachelorette party, no wedding. I know, it’s all stupid and pretentious and unnecessary. I KNOW. But every girl dreams of her wedding day. Every girl dreams of a surprise proposal. I got none of it. I really really regret it. And now, knowing that I’ll probably never have children (which is just one more thing in life that I’ll miss out on), at least I could have had a wedding/engagement party. I could have had a big, happy proposal that surprised me. I could have ended up with someone who didn’t break up with me a hundred times before AND after he proposed to me. Did I settle? It feels like it and now I cry all the time and am upset all the time. It’s stupid. It is. I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, but it’s the way I feel and I can’t change it.

Sadness

I am always angry. No, I’m not the Hulk or She-Hulk, but the statement rings true. I am always angry. Most of the time, I don’t even know why. It’s like something is triggered in my brain and BOOM, off I go. I try so hard to control myself, but sometimes, it’s not possible. I’ve been like this most, if not all, of my life. I remember freaking out on one of my parents’ friends daughter because she was playing with one of the toys I wanted to play with. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but I do remember toys ending up on the floor…and needless to say, I never played with her again. What’s amazing is that the smallest things will set me off. Something as small as a question being repeated or a baby being too loud or my dogs pacing too much will make me undeniably angry. Now, that being said, and as I write this, I realize that I might not be angry… could it be anxiety? I know it comes in many forms, many different manifestations…maybe it is anxiety. I’ve taken Buspar to deal with my obvious anxiousness, however, I stopped it because it didn’t seem like it was helping. The dosage seemed to be too low. I really should go back to see my physician, I just don’t want to be medicated. Speaking about being medicated – I am also depressed. Not diagnosed, but I’m almost positive that I have depression. I never seem to be happy for long. When I am happy, something changes halfway into my happiness and twists into something dark and upsetting. Even while hanging out with friends I feel like I am the outsider, like no one actually wants me around and then I have a very strong urge to leave, to go home. I am constantly in fear of people judging me. Walking down the street I feel like all eyes are on me. Going into a store, it feels like everyone is judging me for being there. For example, if I walk into a Charlotte Russe shop, my first thought is, they all think I am too fat to be in here…maybe I should leave. I act like I am confident…don’t get me wrong, sometimes I am…but most of the time I feel like I want to hide. Now that I’ve gained so much weight, it’s even harder. I feel like a hippo. My back hurts extremely bad sometimes because of my job, but I know my weight doesn’t help either. I have tons of clothes in my closet, but I can’t fit into more than half of my jeans and some shirts make me look like I am six months pregnant. Which, there’s another issue. I can’t get pregnant. I just can’t. I don’t know if this is God’s plan, that I am not supposed to have children, but we’ve been trying and Lord knows, nothing has happened. Not even a scare. We don’t use any contraceptives, and yet, NOTHING. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking, sometimes it’s a relief. But to be quite honest, I feel like less of a woman. Pregnancy is something a woman should be able to do without trouble. The average woman is fertile. Of course, I know, there are outliers. But haven’t I gotten enough of the abnormalities? Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and I know it. I could’ve gotten things much much worse. But for this issue especially, I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could not at all worry that I’ll grow old without children. I wish I could be certain that I’ll be able to give my husband children like he always wanted. I wish I could just be NORMAL.