I am always angry. No, I’m not the Hulk or She-Hulk, but the statement rings true. I am always angry. Most of the time, I don’t even know why. It’s like something is triggered in my brain and BOOM, off I go. I try so hard to control myself, but sometimes, it’s not possible. I’ve been like this most, if not all, of my life. I remember freaking out on one of my parents’ friends daughter because she was playing with one of the toys I wanted to play with. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but I do remember toys ending up on the floor…and needless to say, I never played with her again. What’s amazing is that the smallest things will set me off. Something as small as a question being repeated or a baby being too loud or my dogs pacing too much will make me undeniably angry. Now, that being said, and as I write this, I realize that I might not be angry… could it be anxiety? I know it comes in many forms, many different manifestations…maybe it is anxiety. I’ve taken Buspar to deal with my obvious anxiousness, however, I stopped it because it didn’t seem like it was helping. The dosage seemed to be too low. I really should go back to see my physician, I just don’t want to be medicated. Speaking about being medicated – I am also depressed. Not diagnosed, but I’m almost positive that I have depression. I never seem to be happy for long. When I am happy, something changes halfway into my happiness and twists into something dark and upsetting. Even while hanging out with friends I feel like I am the outsider, like no one actually wants me around and then I have a very strong urge to leave, to go home. I am constantly in fear of people judging me. Walking down the street I feel like all eyes are on me. Going into a store, it feels like everyone is judging me for being there. For example, if I walk into a Charlotte Russe shop, my first thought is, they all think I am too fat to be in here…maybe I should leave. I act like I am confident…don’t get me wrong, sometimes I am…but most of the time I feel like I want to hide. Now that I’ve gained so much weight, it’s even harder. I feel like a hippo. My back hurts extremely bad sometimes because of my job, but I know my weight doesn’t help either. I have tons of clothes in my closet, but I can’t fit into more than half of my jeans and some shirts make me look like I am six months pregnant. Which, there’s another issue. I can’t get pregnant. I just can’t. I don’t know if this is God’s plan, that I am not supposed to have children, but we’ve been trying and Lord knows, nothing has happened. Not even a scare. We don’t use any contraceptives, and yet, NOTHING. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking, sometimes it’s a relief. But to be quite honest, I feel like less of a woman. Pregnancy is something a woman should be able to do without trouble. The average woman is fertile. Of course, I know, there are outliers. But haven’t I gotten enough of the abnormalities? Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and I know it. I could’ve gotten things much much worse. But for this issue especially, I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could not at all worry that I’ll grow old without children. I wish I could be certain that I’ll be able to give my husband children like he always wanted. I wish I could just be NORMAL.


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