You Can’t Always Get What You Want

What’s wrong with me? I can’t keep my emotions right. I also can’t keep fighting anymore. I am fine throughout the day and as soon as I get a call or text from my husband, I get annoyed, angry, pissed. I don’t know why. I’ll snap at him, I’ll call him every name in the book. Why? WHY? I can’t even talk or think this through. Nothing makes sense to me. I want to blame it on the fact that he moved and left me here alone with all the responsibility, but then, I know it isn’t true. I was okay with it, I was happy that he was going to better himself. I’m so unhappy, no one can help me. I cry over everything, all the time. I’ve gone through this on my other posts…I won’t delve into it again. I don’t even know what to write right now. I just opened up my laptop because the same thing happens every time I speak to my husband. It will start off fine and then I’ll feel like he doesn’t care about what I’m saying or texting and I’ll get angry and shut him down completely. I thought that being apart would help…that we were together way too much when he lived here with me…but that’s not the case. I feel like he is wrapped up in everything else – games, work, his new friends – and I feel like I’m always the after-thought. I always think about my husband. Always. He doesn’t think I do, but in everything I do, I mention him or think about how fun it would be to do with him. Yesterday I went with some friends to do a Paint and Sip upstate. Yes, it was fun, but I kept mentioning to my friend that it would be great to go up to the same place again one spring or summer day and have my husband and hers with us – make a day out of it. Maybe we’ll do it – if I don’t ruin my relationship first. I think it’s still in my mind that I didn’t get anything I wanted – no engagement party, no bridal shower, no bachelorette party, no wedding. I know, it’s all stupid and pretentious and unnecessary. I KNOW. But every girl dreams of her wedding day. Every girl dreams of a surprise proposal. I got none of it. I really really regret it. And now, knowing that I’ll probably never have children (which is just one more thing in life that I’ll miss out on), at least I could have had a wedding/engagement party. I could have had a big, happy proposal that surprised me. I could have ended up with someone who didn’t break up with me a hundred times before AND after he proposed to me. Did I settle? It feels like it and now I cry all the time and am upset all the time. It’s stupid. It is. I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, but it’s the way I feel and I can’t change it.

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