Change

I’ve decided that I need to change. The person I am now is not who I want to be. I am fat, lazy, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and angry. I started my lifestyle changes almost two weeks ago – I joined Weight Watchers. I stepped on the scale one morning and my stomach dropped – 231 lbs. Terrible. I have never been this heavy in my life. So… I joined WW and my beginning weight was 228.4 lbs. A week into it, I am 225.8 lbs. So far, so good. I have cut down on my eating, I’m drinking a lot of water/seltzer, and I am staying within my point limits (37 daily). I am going to the gym and instead of half hour workouts, I am doing hourly elliptical trials on different settings. Burning 500-600 calories each time. Exercise makes you happier, and I feel like it’s helping me a bit already.

I had a long conversation with my husband a couple of days ago at 3:45 AM about changing ourselves as well. We always have some type of issue. Especially me. I am ALWAYS angry at him, and I do not hide it at all. We talked though, and it helped. However, the next day I got a message from some girl, an (EX-) friend of my sister-in-laws, with every single text message and picture that my husband sent her. I stepped back and thought about the way to react. I’ve blown up on him before, freaked out and just yelled like a mad-woman. It was never a good option. So, this time, I took a deep breath and called him, asked him VERY CALMLY who the girl is, and then let him know that she sent me all the screenshots of their conversations. He hung up and called his sister, as did I. My SIL didn’t pick up until he hung up with her and then I cried to her, telling her everything. She knew. Even my MIL knew…to some extent. She had spoken with my husband and told him, you either work it out with your wife or you choose to be alone. Either way, you have to choose. He chose me, and he spent a long time that night trying to make me feel better. Honestly, he’s done this to me so many times that I think I just expect it. I must be crazy for staying. I must be. Even my best friend told me, “you are a good woman.” I asked her why and she said, “because no matter what he does to you, you always stay with him.” I’m not sure whether that makes me a good woman or a stupid woman. After a while, it does take a toll. And that is why I am always angry at him…because, yes, the past is the past, but it doesn’t completely disappear. Especially from your memory.

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