I don’t think I’ve ever felt as useful as a registered nurse as I have lately. I finally feel like I have the time to give to each of my patients because I am not bombarded by tons of visits a day. My preceptor is amazing, she is really an inspiration. She cares so much about her patients and their families. In the past couple of weeks I’ve been able to perform things they don’t have us do in the hospital and things that I didn’t have to do at my last agency. Highlights have been: changing out a suprapubic catheter, changing a Foley catheter, setting up tube feedings, working on tracheotomy patient’s, etc. True, some things I listed are done in the hospital by nurses, but I haven’t had the opportunity to do them in the home and it is exciting! I am going to be taking blood in the home for lab tests, putting in IVs, giving IV medications, taking down chemotherapy, performing all types of wound care, taking PT/INR with the CoAguChek machine, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited or happy. Most of my co-workers are fantastic and my preceptor is becoming a friend to me and that makes me relieved and happy because in NYC you don’t get a lot of friendship – especially in the home care field. The orientation period is long but it is extremely worthwhile. I absolutely love that we shadow and work with a seasoned nurse for 3 months. It helps immensely. You can only learn so much in a classroom. The best part is that my preceptor told me today that I am her favorite orientee because we are so similar and I learn so quickly (although that might be because I’ve done home care before). Either way, I feel enthusiastic with this new job. I feel like I can flourish. I feel like they actually care – especially about family matters and work-life balance. In my previous job, I would work at home until 10, 11, 12 o’clock at night and no one cared – it was expected. Here, they want you to be finished with everything by 5PM. If you work after 5PM you have to give a good reason and you’ll get a talking to from your supervisor, because it is not supposed to happen! They want you to be able to have a family and social life. That is such a far cry from most places! Needless to say, I am happy I chose this company to work for…and the funniest part is, I didn’t want to be in home care again! Interesting.
Do you ever feel as though the life you’re living isn’t the one you are meant for? I feel that often. Growing up, I had great dreams of the future and how my life would turn out – as we all do. I thought I’d be content and happy with the person I was with, it would be a fairytale romance. I thought I’d have a job that made me love what I do, one that I’d jump out of bed and be excited for on the daily. I thought by now I’d have gone on vacations and trips with friends that I’d known for years. I thought I’d be pregnant by now, or had a child. None of it has come to volition.
I was told early on in my life that I would never be happy. Unfortunately, that so far has been the truth. Mostly I believe my unhappiness stems from unrecognized high hopes and discontent. I look at my husband a lot of the time and feel nothing. No happiness, no fun, no love. Our past has definitely shaped our present and his attitude has changed to the point of me not even wanting to be with him. I wonder a lot whether I should leave, whether my initial feelings for him were just fleeting and whether I rushed into marriage because I’m afraid of being alone. Then another part tells me that it’s not true – that I do love him and would be lost without him. That he’s my true other half. But there is only so much a person can take. I want to have fun, talk about anything and everything again, do things that don’t cost anything and enjoy ourselves. It seems like a far-fetched dream.
By now I figured I’d own my own home. A cute cottage home or a Victorian (my dream). Yet I am currently renting an apartment with my husband, sister-in-law, and her children. The house never stays clean and I’m the only one who ever cleans it anyway. I feel as though my hard work is often for naught because no one helps me maintain anything. I never wanted to rent – especially not for this long because I feel it’s a waste of money. There are rules and regulations: you can’t paint the walls, you can only have two pets, you can’t plant any sort of flowers, don’t make too much noise, etc. I can’t wait to save up enough for a real house. Although even that nowadays feels foolish. For a house, you should have kids, no? Sometimes I want to save all my money and just go on vacation all the time. That would be fantastic! Again, just a dream.
I look on the bright side as much as possible though. I have food in my belly, money in my bank account, a roof over my head, and people who love me. That’s all I can do – look on the bright side and find the silver lining.
That is all.