When You Feel Nothing

So often, I feel nothing.

I’ll go through my day with very little emotion. Sure, if someone tells a joke, I’ll laugh, and genuinely at that. But when I sit in my car driving from one patient to the next, I rarely feel anything. A good song could come on and then I’ll feel happy or whichever emotion the song is trying to convey.

I’ll come home and sit on the couch without a single thing in my head. I don’t know if it’s purposeful or whether there is something wrong with me – but a lot of the time I feel not a thing.

It scares me to no end.

I used to have all these thoughts and emotions, I would have great conversations and be entertained by the littlest of things. Now, it takes something spectacular or humorous for me to convey any emotion.

Often, I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I feel so alone. I don’t feel as though I have any friends. Sure, I have my best friend, but she lives in North Carolina. My other friends live hours from me and we hardly talk/text. Here in Lancaster, I have a couple of people I speak to from work – only one I would consider a true friend. A friend lives with us in our house, and she’s great, but to be honest, if she weren’t living here, I would be completely alone – especially when my husband has to work and I don’t.

I used to be surrounded by friends. Used to speak to my friends for hours on AIM and on the phone. I used to go out on my days off with my friends and do things. Now, well, I only go out with my husband for the most part. That’s normal! Some people would say. I don’t think so. Everyone needs friends – I don’t think I really have any right now.

Maybe I shouldn’t be preoccupied with the things of the world. Maybe God is showing me something. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. It’s hard. Sometimes it is so hard to remain faithful and hopeful. Not just in regards to this, but other things in my life. I was raised with the attitude that no one is truly your friend unless they prove it with actions, not just words. That worked out, except I had friends in the past that proved it and then years into our friendship, dropped me for other people who were better, smarter, less outspoken, less stubborn, less opinionated. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or do.

I have crazy social anxiety and yet most people wouldn’t know it. Honestly though, in most situations, I don’t know what to do. I get tongue-tied. I get nervous that what I’m saying is stupid or nonsense, so I don’t speak. I sit and observe people or hide behind my phone. No! It isn’t healthy. I know that!

A lot is wrong with me I guess, I just pray for patience, strength, courage, and understanding.


Go Speak to Someone Today…

I started my new job yesterday. I’ll be doing Home Care Nursing in Pennsylvania – a far cry from New York City. These first two days were orientation days; lots of general information about the organization, policies, corporate compliance, blah blah blah. Typical orientation things. We got to sit in groups at circular tables. The people I sat with were amusing, personable, and intelligent. Three very nice people. One will be a Patient Care Assistant, another a Customer Service Representative, and the last will be doing what I will be, but in a different area of Pennsylvania. The other RN is a male nurse, adorable, big blue eyes, nice smile, the whole bit. Out of all of the others, I had some great conversations with him. I am so awkward around men usually, but the conversations were intelligent and fun. It was much needed. Now, reader, don’t get me wrong – there definitely is no love connection or whatever you might be thinking. My real point in singling him out is that we were able to talk. To communicate. It is so difficult at times to speak with others, to find a topic and to roll with it – at least for me. A lot of times that happens with my own husband.

I remember when we first started dating…we would have conversations about anything and everything. We would laugh, cry, enjoy our time together. We would stay on the phone until 3 A.M. and then play the “you hang up first” game. Now, I rarely have a topic to speak about and so does he. Don’t get me wrong, we do speak, but I feel like it has most definitely dwindled. I’ll ask him to start a conversation and he will tell me that I should…because I never do. Really? In general, I am not a big talker. I’d rather listen most of the time and hear what is going on with others rather than speak and possibly make a fool of myself. This should come as no surprise to my husband, as we’ve been together for 7 years. I miss the way it was. It was carefree and lighthearted and fun. Everything seems to have been dragged down by ill will, bad feelings, stress, work, etc. It upsets me to no end. I wish I could get the spark back. Sometimes I wonder what happened – like I don’t already know.

Communication is so important. In relationships, at work, with friends, family, and literally every aspect of everyone’s life. Either physical or verbal. It is IMPORTANT. The problem with most relationships is that communication is lacking. Without it, how would anyone know your emotions? Your likes? Dislikes? Loves? History? Present? Future plans? Goals? Anything? They wouldn’t. Without communication, life would be extremely boring. I wish more people would understand that. By “talking it out” so many problems could be resolved or avoided, so much understanding could be wrought, so much hate could be diminished.


Go speak to someone today.
And really listen.
They might need it.




What do you think of when you reminisce?
Are they happy memories? Sad? Indifferent/bittersweet?
For me, I think my memories are mainly melancholy with tinges of sweetness.
Remembering all the friends I had and then realizing that most of those friends are no longer around for you. The people you had so many plans with – tattoos, vacations, weddings, bachelorette parties, etc. – now are complete strangers. Remember that person you hung out with almost daily? You took the train or bus to see them to just watch television, play Rock Band, talk about anything and everything…then one day everything changed. You guys were no longer friends, barely even spoke, and then finally let each other know that you were no longer best friends, even though it killed you. This story is far too real and familiar to me. I’ve lost so many best friends that I no longer know who to trust. The worst part? I miss each and every one of them. I see their posts on Facebook and am happy for their lives and successes, but then feel as though I should have been there…I should still be in their lives…I should still be best friends with them. I know it’s silly, but it is so difficult to find friends like that once you are older. Cherish your friends, especially your best friends. Please do.