The Trouble With Unfounded Expectations

Pregnancy Photos: Before & After
If you click on the above link, you’ll find 15 wonderful photos of mothers. Pregnant in one photo and with their newborn in another. The photographs are inspiring, beautiful, loving, and for people like me – heartbreaking.

For a long time as a youngster, I didn’t see the point in having children. I found them to be nuisances; always loud, whiny, and bratty. I told my uncle one day that I never wanted children. He replied with, “won’t you be lonely when you’re old and the rest of your family is gone?” I thought about that for a half a second and said that I didn’t care, that it wasn’t important to me. As you can probably tell, I was a stubborn child. Who am I kidding? I’m a stubborn adult as well.

As I grew older, I realized that maybe having children would be a good thing. I realized that once I found the person I loved, I’d want to create another human life with them. A baby girl or boy to raise, to nurture, to love, to teach. A small child with my husbands eyes and our thick hair. A pretty little girl with my love of reading and my husbands knack for board games. A handsome little boy with my husbands capacity to fix literally anything and my musical ability.

Well, the day came when I met that person. My husband of almost 5 years. In five years, we’ve not even had a scare. Not one. Every month that goes by becomes harder and harder to bear. Every month we hope that this month will be it, we’ll have good news. Every month we are disappointed. A year into our marriage we were asked when we were going to have babies. At that time we were still quite hopeful. Now people either gloss over the subject (if they know us) or ask us the same question, “when are you going to have children?” When my patients ask, I try to laugh it off – it’s not their business. When family mentions it, I tense up. I can’t brush it off. I can’t laugh it off. I don’t know what to say anymore. There are so many emotions that people can’t understand if they’ve never been on our situation. Anecdotes about friends having difficulties don’t help. Especially when those friends had troubles for a year and then conceived a child – and then another the same year, a few months after the first was born. Telling me that you had trouble conceiving your second and third child don’t help. Honestly, they don’t. We can’t even conceive our first. We’d be ecstatic with one child at this point. We really would.

We’ve gone to a fertility clinic. We’ve been told the problem. We’ve been told that most likely, only IVF would work. IVF. Who can afford it? One treatment equals to almost $10,000. We’ve thought about adoption – over $30,000. Surrogates even cost a massive amount even with a friend being the surrogate. It seems like my husband and I are out of options. 

Sometimes I think, maybe it’s a good thing that we don’t have children. This is just the way it’s supposed to be for us. However, deep down I’m not losing my faith. I believe that everything happens in its own time and everything happens and doesn’t happen for a reason. God has a plan and I need to stick to that truth.

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Ketogenic Me

About a month and a half ago my husband and I traveled into NYC to visit my parents and watch a Broadway musical featuring Josh Groban – Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812. Fantastic show, interactive and wonderfully choreographed. Well, I stepped foot into my parents house and was greeted with love, as always. However, there was another aspect to the welcome this time – worry. My parents – especially my mother – couldn’t get over my weight gain. True, I had gained quite a large amount in the past half a year, but I guess I didn’t truly internalize it until that weekend. My mother and I ended up fighting, my husband got involved as always, sticking up for me (which my parents actually respected a lot), but at the conclusion of it all, I made up my mind. 

I had to change. I had to lose the weight. My health was in jeopardy, I felt horrid about myself, and I was almost always tired and hungry. I ate to mask my depression and anxiety. I ate to make myself feel better. Not anymore!

On July 3rd, my husband and I, as a team, decided to take our lives into our hands and lose weight together. We started the ketogenic diet.

Now people wonder, what’s that? It’s fairly simple really! For this way of eating, one must cut all the sugar from their diet, increase their fat and protein intake (more fat than protein), and reduce their carbohydrate intake (I stick to below 20 grams daily myself).

In this way, your body no longer uses carbohydrates for energy. Rather, it uses the fat. By doing this, your body becomes “fat-adapted” and allows effective burning of stored fat in the body. This helps your body then lose weight due to the burning of excess fat that’s stored and just sitting there – which would remain there if you were feeding yourself carbohydrates and sugars, which would usually be the first thing your body would start burning.

So, it’s now been almost 2 months since the husband and I have started our journey and we both have lost 22 lbs! 

We are both looking and feeling better. Happier. Sometimes I know that temptation arises for me – especially in the form of chips, cookies, and milkshakes. However, I remind myself how difficult it was to lose weight so far and I never want to go back to the weight I started with. My husband and I both have a ways to go and will keto on!

Dreams

Do you ever feel as though the life you’re living isn’t the one you are meant for? I feel that often. Growing up, I had great dreams of the future and how my life would turn out – as we all do. I thought I’d be content and happy with the person I was with, it would be a fairytale romance. I thought I’d have a job that made me love what I do, one that I’d jump out of bed and be excited for on the daily. I thought by now I’d have gone on vacations and trips with friends that I’d known for years. I thought I’d be pregnant by now, or had a child. None of it has come to volition. 

I was told early on in my life that I would never be happy. Unfortunately, that so far has been the truth. Mostly I believe my unhappiness stems from unrecognized high hopes and discontent. I look at my husband a lot of the time and feel nothing. No happiness, no fun, no love. Our past has definitely shaped our present and his attitude has changed to the point of me not even wanting to be with him. I wonder a lot whether I should leave, whether my initial feelings for him were just fleeting and whether I rushed into marriage because I’m afraid of being alone. Then another part tells me that it’s not true – that I do love him and would be lost without him. That he’s my true other half. But there is only so much a person can take. I want to have fun, talk about anything and everything again, do things that don’t cost anything and enjoy ourselves. It seems like a far-fetched dream.

By now I figured I’d own my own home. A cute cottage home or a Victorian (my dream). Yet I am currently renting an apartment with my husband, sister-in-law, and her children. The house never stays clean and I’m the only one who ever cleans it anyway. I feel as though my hard work is often for naught because no one helps me maintain anything. I never wanted to rent – especially not for this long because I feel it’s a waste of money. There are rules and regulations: you can’t paint the walls, you can only have two pets, you can’t plant any sort of flowers, don’t make too much noise, etc. I can’t wait to save up enough for a real house. Although even that nowadays feels foolish. For a house, you should have kids, no? Sometimes I want to save all my money and just go on vacation all the time. That would be fantastic! Again, just a dream. 

I look on the bright side as much as possible though. I have food in my belly, money in my bank account, a roof over my head, and people who love me. That’s all I can do – look on the bright side and find the silver lining. 

Go Speak to Someone Today…

I started my new job yesterday. I’ll be doing Home Care Nursing in Pennsylvania – a far cry from New York City. These first two days were orientation days; lots of general information about the organization, policies, corporate compliance, blah blah blah. Typical orientation things. We got to sit in groups at circular tables. The people I sat with were amusing, personable, and intelligent. Three very nice people. One will be a Patient Care Assistant, another a Customer Service Representative, and the last will be doing what I will be, but in a different area of Pennsylvania. The other RN is a male nurse, adorable, big blue eyes, nice smile, the whole bit. Out of all of the others, I had some great conversations with him. I am so awkward around men usually, but the conversations were intelligent and fun. It was much needed. Now, reader, don’t get me wrong – there definitely is no love connection or whatever you might be thinking. My real point in singling him out is that we were able to talk. To communicate. It is so difficult at times to speak with others, to find a topic and to roll with it – at least for me. A lot of times that happens with my own husband.

I remember when we first started dating…we would have conversations about anything and everything. We would laugh, cry, enjoy our time together. We would stay on the phone until 3 A.M. and then play the “you hang up first” game. Now, I rarely have a topic to speak about and so does he. Don’t get me wrong, we do speak, but I feel like it has most definitely dwindled. I’ll ask him to start a conversation and he will tell me that I should…because I never do. Really? In general, I am not a big talker. I’d rather listen most of the time and hear what is going on with others rather than speak and possibly make a fool of myself. This should come as no surprise to my husband, as we’ve been together for 7 years. I miss the way it was. It was carefree and lighthearted and fun. Everything seems to have been dragged down by ill will, bad feelings, stress, work, etc. It upsets me to no end. I wish I could get the spark back. Sometimes I wonder what happened – like I don’t already know.

Communication is so important. In relationships, at work, with friends, family, and literally every aspect of everyone’s life. Either physical or verbal. It is IMPORTANT. The problem with most relationships is that communication is lacking. Without it, how would anyone know your emotions? Your likes? Dislikes? Loves? History? Present? Future plans? Goals? Anything? They wouldn’t. Without communication, life would be extremely boring. I wish more people would understand that. By “talking it out” so many problems could be resolved or avoided, so much understanding could be wrought, so much hate could be diminished.

 

Go speak to someone today.
And really listen.
They might need it.

 

 

Change

I’ve decided that I need to change. The person I am now is not who I want to be. I am fat, lazy, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and angry. I started my lifestyle changes almost two weeks ago – I joined Weight Watchers. I stepped on the scale one morning and my stomach dropped – 231 lbs. Terrible. I have never been this heavy in my life. So… I joined WW and my beginning weight was 228.4 lbs. A week into it, I am 225.8 lbs. So far, so good. I have cut down on my eating, I’m drinking a lot of water/seltzer, and I am staying within my point limits (37 daily). I am going to the gym and instead of half hour workouts, I am doing hourly elliptical trials on different settings. Burning 500-600 calories each time. Exercise makes you happier, and I feel like it’s helping me a bit already.

I had a long conversation with my husband a couple of days ago at 3:45 AM about changing ourselves as well. We always have some type of issue. Especially me. I am ALWAYS angry at him, and I do not hide it at all. We talked though, and it helped. However, the next day I got a message from some girl, an (EX-) friend of my sister-in-laws, with every single text message and picture that my husband sent her. I stepped back and thought about the way to react. I’ve blown up on him before, freaked out and just yelled like a mad-woman. It was never a good option. So, this time, I took a deep breath and called him, asked him VERY CALMLY who the girl is, and then let him know that she sent me all the screenshots of their conversations. He hung up and called his sister, as did I. My SIL didn’t pick up until he hung up with her and then I cried to her, telling her everything. She knew. Even my MIL knew…to some extent. She had spoken with my husband and told him, you either work it out with your wife or you choose to be alone. Either way, you have to choose. He chose me, and he spent a long time that night trying to make me feel better. Honestly, he’s done this to me so many times that I think I just expect it. I must be crazy for staying. I must be. Even my best friend told me, “you are a good woman.” I asked her why and she said, “because no matter what he does to you, you always stay with him.” I’m not sure whether that makes me a good woman or a stupid woman. After a while, it does take a toll. And that is why I am always angry at him…because, yes, the past is the past, but it doesn’t completely disappear. Especially from your memory.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

What’s wrong with me? I can’t keep my emotions right. I also can’t keep fighting anymore. I am fine throughout the day and as soon as I get a call or text from my husband, I get annoyed, angry, pissed. I don’t know why. I’ll snap at him, I’ll call him every name in the book. Why? WHY? I can’t even talk or think this through. Nothing makes sense to me. I want to blame it on the fact that he moved and left me here alone with all the responsibility, but then, I know it isn’t true. I was okay with it, I was happy that he was going to better himself. I’m so unhappy, no one can help me. I cry over everything, all the time. I’ve gone through this on my other posts…I won’t delve into it again. I don’t even know what to write right now. I just opened up my laptop because the same thing happens every time I speak to my husband. It will start off fine and then I’ll feel like he doesn’t care about what I’m saying or texting and I’ll get angry and shut him down completely. I thought that being apart would help…that we were together way too much when he lived here with me…but that’s not the case. I feel like he is wrapped up in everything else – games, work, his new friends – and I feel like I’m always the after-thought. I always think about my husband. Always. He doesn’t think I do, but in everything I do, I mention him or think about how fun it would be to do with him. Yesterday I went with some friends to do a Paint and Sip upstate. Yes, it was fun, but I kept mentioning to my friend that it would be great to go up to the same place again one spring or summer day and have my husband and hers with us – make a day out of it. Maybe we’ll do it – if I don’t ruin my relationship first. I think it’s still in my mind that I didn’t get anything I wanted – no engagement party, no bridal shower, no bachelorette party, no wedding. I know, it’s all stupid and pretentious and unnecessary. I KNOW. But every girl dreams of her wedding day. Every girl dreams of a surprise proposal. I got none of it. I really really regret it. And now, knowing that I’ll probably never have children (which is just one more thing in life that I’ll miss out on), at least I could have had a wedding/engagement party. I could have had a big, happy proposal that surprised me. I could have ended up with someone who didn’t break up with me a hundred times before AND after he proposed to me. Did I settle? It feels like it and now I cry all the time and am upset all the time. It’s stupid. It is. I acknowledge that it’s ridiculous, but it’s the way I feel and I can’t change it.