Enough(?)

I wonder when I will finally allow myself to say “enough”. Seriously. I can’t say that I am without sin. I will fully admit that I do act like an idiot and a bitch sometimes. But to lay hands on me? Again? I must be a complete lunatic to stay with someone who hurts me physically when he is angry. To be quite honest, I don’t feel safe with him anymore…and I haven’t in a long time. I’m never sure what will make him snap. I don’t know whether when I turn my back I’ll be hit because of something I say. I hate feeling this way. I always wanted a great relationship, a man who worships me and couldn’t even imagine hurting me. I got a knight in tinfoil. I got the man who thinks because I ask him to do things for me – I’m a bitch. I got the man who throws temper tantrums. I got the man who cancelled our wedding. I don’t know what to do.

I guess part of me just feels like if I leave him, I’ll never find anyone else.

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Go Speak to Someone Today…

I started my new job yesterday. I’ll be doing Home Care Nursing in Pennsylvania – a far cry from New York City. These first two days were orientation days; lots of general information about the organization, policies, corporate compliance, blah blah blah. Typical orientation things. We got to sit in groups at circular tables. The people I sat with were amusing, personable, and intelligent. Three very nice people. One will be a Patient Care Assistant, another a Customer Service Representative, and the last will be doing what I will be, but in a different area of Pennsylvania. The other RN is a male nurse, adorable, big blue eyes, nice smile, the whole bit. Out of all of the others, I had some great conversations with him. I am so awkward around men usually, but the conversations were intelligent and fun. It was much needed. Now, reader, don’t get me wrong – there definitely is no love connection or whatever you might be thinking. My real point in singling him out is that we were able to talk. To communicate. It is so difficult at times to speak with others, to find a topic and to roll with it – at least for me. A lot of times that happens with my own husband.

I remember when we first started dating…we would have conversations about anything and everything. We would laugh, cry, enjoy our time together. We would stay on the phone until 3 A.M. and then play the “you hang up first” game. Now, I rarely have a topic to speak about and so does he. Don’t get me wrong, we do speak, but I feel like it has most definitely dwindled. I’ll ask him to start a conversation and he will tell me that I should…because I never do. Really? In general, I am not a big talker. I’d rather listen most of the time and hear what is going on with others rather than speak and possibly make a fool of myself. This should come as no surprise to my husband, as we’ve been together for 7 years. I miss the way it was. It was carefree and lighthearted and fun. Everything seems to have been dragged down by ill will, bad feelings, stress, work, etc. It upsets me to no end. I wish I could get the spark back. Sometimes I wonder what happened – like I don’t already know.

Communication is so important. In relationships, at work, with friends, family, and literally every aspect of everyone’s life. Either physical or verbal. It is IMPORTANT. The problem with most relationships is that communication is lacking. Without it, how would anyone know your emotions? Your likes? Dislikes? Loves? History? Present? Future plans? Goals? Anything? They wouldn’t. Without communication, life would be extremely boring. I wish more people would understand that. By “talking it out” so many problems could be resolved or avoided, so much understanding could be wrought, so much hate could be diminished.

 

Go speak to someone today.
And really listen.
They might need it.