When You Feel Nothing

So often, I feel nothing.

I’ll go through my day with very little emotion. Sure, if someone tells a joke, I’ll laugh, and genuinely at that. But when I sit in my car driving from one patient to the next, I rarely feel anything. A good song could come on and then I’ll feel happy or whichever emotion the song is trying to convey.

I’ll come home and sit on the couch without a single thing in my head. I don’t know if it’s purposeful or whether there is something wrong with me – but a lot of the time I feel not a thing.

It scares me to no end.

I used to have all these thoughts and emotions, I would have great conversations and be entertained by the littlest of things. Now, it takes something spectacular or humorous for me to convey any emotion.

Often, I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I feel so alone. I don’t feel as though I have any friends. Sure, I have my best friend, but she lives in North Carolina. My other friends live hours from me and we hardly talk/text. Here in Lancaster, I have a couple of people I speak to from work – only one I would consider a true friend. A friend lives with us in our house, and she’s great, but to be honest, if she weren’t living here, I would be completely alone – especially when my husband has to work and I don’t.

I used to be surrounded by friends. Used to speak to my friends for hours on AIM and on the phone. I used to go out on my days off with my friends and do things. Now, well, I only go out with my husband for the most part. That’s normal! Some people would say. I don’t think so. Everyone needs friends – I don’t think I really have any right now.

Maybe I shouldn’t be preoccupied with the things of the world. Maybe God is showing me something. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. It’s hard. Sometimes it is so hard to remain faithful and hopeful. Not just in regards to this, but other things in my life. I was raised with the attitude that no one is truly your friend unless they prove it with actions, not just words. That worked out, except I had friends in the past that proved it and then years into our friendship, dropped me for other people who were better, smarter, less outspoken, less stubborn, less opinionated. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or do.

I have crazy social anxiety and yet most people wouldn’t know it. Honestly though, in most situations, I don’t know what to do. I get tongue-tied. I get nervous that what I’m saying is stupid or nonsense, so I don’t speak. I sit and observe people or hide behind my phone. No! It isn’t healthy. I know that!

A lot is wrong with me I guess, I just pray for patience, strength, courage, and understanding.

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I had a fantastic time growing up. Why? All thanks to my parents. They always have been my fiercest advocates. I’ve grown up knowing what life should be. Their expectations of me were never more than I could accomplish, and I think that’s the biggest reason that I am now a successful and well-rounded young adult. While other kids were playing in the park, we had our own pool. While other kids were going to Florida to spend time with their grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc., I was sent to Switzerland and Hungary to spend my time with family. I was always extremely lucky to have the experiences I did growing up. I feel that it gave me a cosmopolitan view of the world. I had the opportunity to become who I am today because of my parents. I cannot thank them enough.

So what’s with the above photo? Well, since I have “left the nest” and gotten married, I feel more weighed down than anything. I look back on old photos and cannot believe how much time has passed me by. So many times, I am not even sure where all the time went. I’m not able to recall what I’ve done in those days/minutes/hours/weeks/months/years that have passed. Pictures are my friend and my enemy. They are bittersweet reminders of the past. I know you’re supposed to look back on old times and feel happy…although I think the best explanation of that bittersweet feeling is from Inside Out. Most memories are tinged with sadness because they are moments in life that you will never get back or experience again. I definitely feel that way about a lot of my past.

Time does not travel faster than a day at a time, but those days seem to flow away like the ocean retreating from the sand. I try to live my life to fullest, however, I don’t feel as if I am nowadays. What I imagined for my life is a far cry from what I received. Man plans, God laughs. Each day that passes seems to me like wasted time. When I am at work, I feel like I am wasting my life away for money that I don’t get to use for fun things, but instead for bills. When I am home, I sit in front of the television watching shows about people I don’t know, doing things that are much more interesting than my day-to-day. When I go out, I don’t want that time to end because it feels like the most I’ll be able to do all week due to employment and other responsibilities. I realize that maybe I am not normal, that maybe my brain chemistry is off kilter and I might need to go see a psychiatrist…but I don’t want to be medicated into a stupor – not knowing what I am doing and when for the rest of my life. Talk about wasting time. If it were up to me, I’d always be traveling. There is nothing more enjoyable to me than travel. Seeing new places, eating new foods, meeting new people. That would be my living life to the fullest experience. Time travels on and we can’t be stagnant, we need to move and change and enjoy our lives. We all need to live our lives to the fullest because we all only get one.

Friends

What do you think of when you reminisce?
Are they happy memories? Sad? Indifferent/bittersweet?
For me, I think my memories are mainly melancholy with tinges of sweetness.
Remembering all the friends I had and then realizing that most of those friends are no longer around for you. The people you had so many plans with – tattoos, vacations, weddings, bachelorette parties, etc. – now are complete strangers. Remember that person you hung out with almost daily? You took the train or bus to see them to just watch television, play Rock Band, talk about anything and everything…then one day everything changed. You guys were no longer friends, barely even spoke, and then finally let each other know that you were no longer best friends, even though it killed you. This story is far too real and familiar to me. I’ve lost so many best friends that I no longer know who to trust. The worst part? I miss each and every one of them. I see their posts on Facebook and am happy for their lives and successes, but then feel as though I should have been there…I should still be in their lives…I should still be best friends with them. I know it’s silly, but it is so difficult to find friends like that once you are older. Cherish your friends, especially your best friends. Please do.