Do you ever feel as though the life you’re living isn’t the one you are meant for? I feel that often. Growing up, I had great dreams of the future and how my life would turn out – as we all do. I thought I’d be content and happy with the person I was with, it would be a fairytale romance. I thought I’d have a job that made me love what I do, one that I’d jump out of bed and be excited for on the daily. I thought by now I’d have gone on vacations and trips with friends that I’d known for years. I thought I’d be pregnant by now, or had a child. None of it has come to volition.
I was told early on in my life that I would never be happy. Unfortunately, that so far has been the truth. Mostly I believe my unhappiness stems from unrecognized high hopes and discontent. I look at my husband a lot of the time and feel nothing. No happiness, no fun, no love. Our past has definitely shaped our present and his attitude has changed to the point of me not even wanting to be with him. I wonder a lot whether I should leave, whether my initial feelings for him were just fleeting and whether I rushed into marriage because I’m afraid of being alone. Then another part tells me that it’s not true – that I do love him and would be lost without him. That he’s my true other half. But there is only so much a person can take. I want to have fun, talk about anything and everything again, do things that don’t cost anything and enjoy ourselves. It seems like a far-fetched dream.
By now I figured I’d own my own home. A cute cottage home or a Victorian (my dream). Yet I am currently renting an apartment with my husband, sister-in-law, and her children. The house never stays clean and I’m the only one who ever cleans it anyway. I feel as though my hard work is often for naught because no one helps me maintain anything. I never wanted to rent – especially not for this long because I feel it’s a waste of money. There are rules and regulations: you can’t paint the walls, you can only have two pets, you can’t plant any sort of flowers, don’t make too much noise, etc. I can’t wait to save up enough for a real house. Although even that nowadays feels foolish. For a house, you should have kids, no? Sometimes I want to save all my money and just go on vacation all the time. That would be fantastic! Again, just a dream.
I look on the bright side as much as possible though. I have food in my belly, money in my bank account, a roof over my head, and people who love me. That’s all I can do – look on the bright side and find the silver lining.
I had a fantastic time growing up. Why? All thanks to my parents. They always have been my fiercest advocates. I’ve grown up knowing what life should be. Their expectations of me were never more than I could accomplish, and I think that’s the biggest reason that I am now a successful and well-rounded young adult. While other kids were playing in the park, we had our own pool. While other kids were going to Florida to spend time with their grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc., I was sent to Switzerland and Hungary to spend my time with family. I was always extremely lucky to have the experiences I did growing up. I feel that it gave me a cosmopolitan view of the world. I had the opportunity to become who I am today because of my parents. I cannot thank them enough.
So what’s with the above photo? Well, since I have “left the nest” and gotten married, I feel more weighed down than anything. I look back on old photos and cannot believe how much time has passed me by. So many times, I am not even sure where all the time went. I’m not able to recall what I’ve done in those days/minutes/hours/weeks/months/years that have passed. Pictures are my friend and my enemy. They are bittersweet reminders of the past. I know you’re supposed to look back on old times and feel happy…although I think the best explanation of that bittersweet feeling is from Inside Out. Most memories are tinged with sadness because they are moments in life that you will never get back or experience again. I definitely feel that way about a lot of my past.
Time does not travel faster than a day at a time, but those days seem to flow away like the ocean retreating from the sand. I try to live my life to fullest, however, I don’t feel as if I am nowadays. What I imagined for my life is a far cry from what I received. Man plans, God laughs. Each day that passes seems to me like wasted time. When I am at work, I feel like I am wasting my life away for money that I don’t get to use for fun things, but instead for bills. When I am home, I sit in front of the television watching shows about people I don’t know, doing things that are much more interesting than my day-to-day. When I go out, I don’t want that time to end because it feels like the most I’ll be able to do all week due to employment and other responsibilities. I realize that maybe I am not normal, that maybe my brain chemistry is off kilter and I might need to go see a psychiatrist…but I don’t want to be medicated into a stupor – not knowing what I am doing and when for the rest of my life. Talk about wasting time. If it were up to me, I’d always be traveling. There is nothing more enjoyable to me than travel. Seeing new places, eating new foods, meeting new people. That would be my living life to the fullest experience. Time travels on and we can’t be stagnant, we need to move and change and enjoy our lives. We all need to live our lives to the fullest because we all only get one.
What do you think of when you reminisce?
Are they happy memories? Sad? Indifferent/bittersweet?
For me, I think my memories are mainly melancholy with tinges of sweetness.
Remembering all the friends I had and then realizing that most of those friends are no longer around for you. The people you had so many plans with – tattoos, vacations, weddings, bachelorette parties, etc. – now are complete strangers. Remember that person you hung out with almost daily? You took the train or bus to see them to just watch television, play Rock Band, talk about anything and everything…then one day everything changed. You guys were no longer friends, barely even spoke, and then finally let each other know that you were no longer best friends, even though it killed you. This story is far too real and familiar to me. I’ve lost so many best friends that I no longer know who to trust. The worst part? I miss each and every one of them. I see their posts on Facebook and am happy for their lives and successes, but then feel as though I should have been there…I should still be in their lives…I should still be best friends with them. I know it’s silly, but it is so difficult to find friends like that once you are older. Cherish your friends, especially your best friends. Please do.